Monday, August 21, 2006

Welcome to the blog of The Kingdom of Danelaw

This has been created to further the restoration of Danelaw and to help to ensure its place as a nation in its own right, as a member of both the EU and the UN.

Danelaw was such a proud nation between the 8th and 12th centuries, until it was colonised by the fascist English descendants of the Anglo-Saxons who invaded the soft south.

Geographically, Danelaw consisted of all of what is now called England which is situated north of a line running from London in the south east to the Wirral peninsula in the north west. Our main towns were those now known as Leicester, Lincoln, Nottingham, Derby and Stamford.

We are descendants of Scandinavian Vikings and so genetically different from the English.

Our language is a mixture of Danish and Old English. ‘Danelaw’ is, in fact, Danelagen in the former and Dena Lagu in the latter. These days we call our tongue Danglish.

We have a Royal Academy of Danglish to protect our language and to invent both new words and grammatical rules every year. This keeps speakers of Danglish on their toes and provides useful employment for some of our intellectuals.

Although there are no Celtic words in Danglish, we regard ourselves as a Celtic nation because:- 1. Celts used to live in Danelaw hundreds of years before us, 2. We are close to the sea and it rains a lot, 3. Some of us can play bagpipes and sing mournful songs without ever smiling, and 4. we plan to hold a big Celtic Festival every year and invite other sad-looking people from Ireland, Brittany and one or two places which, like us, are not really Celtic but like to think they are.

Danelaw is a kingdom, ruled by Kolin the Magnificent, who can trace his lineage right back to King Guthrum, who ruled over Danelaw when it was established by conquest [not to mention pillage and rape] in the 9th century.

We intend to have our own National Flag and Anthem. If you have any ideas on these, we will be pleased to receive them. Please note, your Anthem need not be written in Danglish. Any non-Celtic language will do for now. Our intellectuals have the ability to translate from any of these.

Similarly, we are soliciting ideas for our National Dress. This must be as colourful and as silly as possible. Perhaps something similar to the costume of the English Morris Dancers. Only even sillier.

The government of Danelaw is currently being formed and ministerial positions are available by subscription. Please post a message to this blog with details of the position you are interested in and your experience. Or just the amount you are prepared to pay. Applications for citizenship will also be considered on the same basis.

The position of National Poet is not available as this is held in perpetuity by Kolin the Magnificent.


Blogger David said...

Dear Sir,

On reading about the vacancies available I am volunteering for the position of Deputy Prime Minister. In my careers book it states that such a position would suite a person of pompous nature who has subservient tendencies to his masters and a bullying management style.

It would be a great honour to serve under you and to receive the usual house in the country, 3 jags and of course those very special perks which are only available to those of us with no morals. I will of course require a very large study desk in my office to fulfil these duties.

I am not concerned about the salary - although the larger, the better. I will endevour to not be a cost center by accepting bribes -whoops - I mean gifts to keep my life style at an acceptable level, (any redundant gifts I will of course give to you via the back door).

This may mean I have to walk around the kingdom dressed as a fully kitted out Cow hand complete with six gun, but this should keep all subjects in line with government thinking.

My past experience includes serving drinks and guzzling them at a very fast rate. I have led several rebellious risings and hence from a Machiavellian viewpoint it would be wise to keep me close to you.

Whilst awaiting your positive reply I will give considerations to the other posts available and mischief I can create if you do not give me what I want.

Yours most obediently ....

2:35 AM  
Blogger Lenox said...

I could run all of your newspapers, magazines, freebies, web-pages, radios, television channels, satellite channels, the local TV channel and other media activities.
I could re-write history and record it in the nation’s school books – which I could print: new ones each year, of course.
I would present your ideas, excesses, absurdities, mistakes and vulgarities in the best possible light
I would be sure to minimise any endeavours from the opposition to your government in my media empire.
I would open a foundation with prizes and honours to specially chosen ‘friends’ of The Party.
While I am unfortunately far too old to learn your amusing national patois, I shall nevertheless attempt to ridicule through my media empire anyone who doesn’t use it exclusively in all public events.
You, in return, would give me most of your ‘institutional advertising’ even when not appropriate. All new radio and television licences would be first offered to my organisation.
You would make representation to The Pope and other heads of state or captains of industry to complain, loudly, regularly and bitterly about any of my surviving competitors.

1:40 AM  
Blogger El Casareño Ingles said...

Since the spineless English have seen fit to eliminate the post I am applying for the post of Lord Chancellor.

You will need a good legal mind at your side to not only fend off immigration of 'chavs' into the Danelaw, but also to stay out of the EU Schengen area - you wont want any Croats etc. applying for immigration or asylum and their accents might fool the locals that they are more Danish than them.

I have over twenty years experience in the paralegal world as Customs agent, consultant and trade negotiator. I can set tariff barriers for you higher than the US steel industry or the Chinese car industry. This will in turn benefit the native Danelaw industry of axe manufacture which could be located in Derby when Nissan are kicked out. Better still the Danelaw could annex the SAIC plant at Longbridge.

Strict dress codes can be enforced, again to benefit the native woolen industry. The import of shell suits would be banned.

Although culture is not my forte, might I suggest in order to curry favour with the muslim community that a head-to-toe woolen garment be made mandatory, preferably in some red and white tartan pattern to reflect our heritage.

My salary requirements are not excessive but I will require a large state grant to wallpaper my office.

1:51 PM  
Blogger Ferrolano said...

It seems that not only am I three steps but in this case some three years behind the master and I am wondering what I can bring to the table in return for due consideration??

Being involved with the shipbuilding industry, I know all about going broke and getting funds from; local, national and international authorities. At the same time, I am well versed in not delivering on time or for that matter letting you know what you will get for the funds handed over. Post accountability is not a problem as I can get lost in many of the worlds hide-aways, to be found in; Africa, Asia and the Americas – mind you, the bold and brazen approach of hiding in your own backyard can also work well.

Again, as other applicants, my renumerative requirements are not too demanding and can be covered by a healthy slice of the pie!

8:50 PM  

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